Another old poem of mine has been springing to my mind, as of late. From one of my doubting, wandering phases, called "Pray for Me, You Wrote."
[CC-licensed image by Steven Fernandez]
Pray for Me, You Wrote
Pray for me, you wrote
Unaware
Of my broken beads and lips
That now only spit and chew
Schmooze and curse
But I recall when I could supplicate
and meditate and beseech
and preach and verilyverily,
and HA-lay-loo and "thee" and "thou"
like old King Jimmy himself.
Prayer is just like riding a bike, right?
But now I'm chewing on sand
While sacred soundbites play like the choruses
Of 60's folksongs in my mind:
hailmaryfullofourfather
whoartingracehowsweet
thedawningofthecoming
lordmysoultotakeamen
amenamen
This isn't working.
Praying is just like riding a bike, alright.
If you fall off enough times
You learn to take the bus.
But for you, I get back on
Get up, get out your postcard
That again embraces me
With your gentle script
I hear a halting voice
And realize it's mine
Talking to God
About you.
rikpanganiban
november 1993
Niggas pray for me,
Niggas use to pray for me,
Need ya’ll to pray for me,
Need niggas just to pray for me,
I want somebody to pray for me,
Somebody pray for me,
Please ya’ll pray for me,
Please niggas just pray for me,
Look,
I woke up without a heartbeat,
But I remember we was just in the car deep,
Was at a light, and got approached by a car theif,
He pulled out, but didnt ask for no car keys,
A loud noise without a voice, and I’m tryin’ to scream out shits not fair,
I can’t tell you where I’m at, or how I got here,
Surrounded by all white, maybe it’s just cloudy,
Escorted by two men who knew everything about me,
Both of them so strong, kept sayin’ hold on,
Feel like my souls gone, naked no clothes on,
I know this can’t be my fate, I scream wait,
As they drop me infront of a gate, they left no trace,
I can see my every breath like a cold day, stood before a man with no face,
He said to me,
“Please don’t make this any harder”
Who the fuck is you?
“My child, I’m your father”
I only got one dad,
“Is that a fact to you? He left you when you was young,
I brought him back to you, you’re real close to heaven,
Few get to step in, now tell me what you’ve done to deserve to be let in”
Look I’m far from a christian, not big on religion,
But ain’t done too much wrong, my entire time of living,
Never killed, never tried to, though I’ve been lied to,
Was once suicidal, never read the bible,
I’ve always been a caretaker, tried to nurse people,
At times it backfired, hurt people, hurt people,
Plus I never use your name in vain,
But you should know everything I’m being asked to explain,
“I know you stole from your mothers purse”
You can’t count that, that was way back when,
“It’s still a sin”
But I was ten,
“You robbed people, stolen”
Yea, and you made me see jail,
“But I also seen you lay your hands on a female,
Sold drugs to parents, none of that was needed,
abandoned your child, on every girl you cheated,
Done wrong to people that only want the best for you,
Anytime you thought you were alone, I was right next to you”
When it comes to baby moms, God you gave me the worst one,
“But that was your second child, you shouldn’t of killed the first one”
I ain’t have a job, ain’t have a pot to piss in,
“Look I gave you a gift, and you made the wrong decision,
Held on to resentments, even in doing business,
I lead by example, I teach forgiveness,
Your entry, can not be guaranteed,
Not when you live with Anger, Envy, Greed,
Pride, Sloth, Lust, even Gluttony,
Everything you shouldn’t, if you would of joined my company”
Look I’m only human I ain’t perfect,
“That I understand, when I take you out a jam,
You don’t even think to worship, and when you do,
You never talk about what you can do for me,
You talk about what I can do for you,
I blessed you with health, family, and wealth,
With all the blessings you’ve received, you still always want help”
Yea there’s been times in my life, I need help to make money,
But why everything I love, you manage take from me,
Yet, you still there and to question a nigga that tries hard
And finds a way, when you keep dealing him fucked up cards,
You make mistakes like me, far as I can see,
I think its a mockery, whenever rich niggas win the lottery,
Gave us Bush twice, God I hate to be rude,
But you let skinny niggas starve, give obese niggas food,
The nerve when you telling me, I don’t deserve to stay here,
When you gave us drugs, and guns, you put AIDs here,
Take a look at you, yo actions are the cold-hearted,
The hard shit is you bring babies in the world retarded,
I know most my actions put me in a cell,
But how you made at me, when you put me into hell,
“See my child, you need gratitude, maybe just a sample,
I never give a person, anything they can’t handle,
Don’t tell me about everything you’ve had to go through,
There’s reasons for my actions, even if I never showed you,
Keep trying with you, all you did was hurt me,
Still gave you chances to prove that you were worthy,
And so I sat with you on a train, I asked you for change,
You kept callin’ me names, probably didn’t notice, I was the store clerk,
You put the gun to me, get money for more work,
My child, I know you have it in you to indeed stop,
This is not your final callin’, just brief stop,
Hope you heed my words and understand,
So when I see you back, you should be a better man,
Look at life different, the next time we see each other,
There’ll be no need to talk, whenever we meet each other”
There is not much to choose between men.but some have more strength of character, or more opportunity, and so in one direction or another give their instincts freer play, but potentially they are the same.